Ararrz Joke Thread (Pampahale ki Homesick :) )

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  • #57902


    TITLE: Looking for a spouse…

    A young lady visited the government matchmaker for marriage and requested – “I’m looking for a spouse. Can you please help me to find a suitable one?” The marriage officer said, “You’re requirements please.” “Well, let me see. Needs to be good looking, polite, humorous,sporty, knowledgeable, good at singing and dancing. Willing to accompany me the whole day at home during my leisure hour, if I don’t go out. Telling me interesting stories when I need companion for conversation and be silent when I want to rest.” The officer listened carefully and replied, “I understand. You need a television.”

    Sex with a ghost

    There was this preacher talking to his followers about any paranormal activity they have experienced. Their topic went to sexual encounter with a ghost. “Has anyone among you experienced having sex with a ghost?” the preacher has asked. The middle aged man at far corner of the room reluctantly raised his hand. The preacher shocked in disbelief asked the man, “Please tell us how was it having sex with a ghost”. The man replied: “Oh I am so sorry Father, I thought you said GOAT”

    Di Pwede

    Dettie: Mare, kulang pa kami ng isang miyembro. Baka gusto mong sumali sa paluwagan.
    Penny: Hindi pa ako pwede, mare.
    Dettie: Bakit, mare?
    Penny: Virgin pa kasi ako.


    Bunso: Itay, may multo raw po sa kusina natin?
    Itay: Anak, sino naman ang nagsabi sa ‘yo niyan?
    Bunso: Si ate po!
    Itay: Ay, naku! Huwag ka ngang magpapaniwala ru’n! Wala namang multo, eh! Ang mabuti pa, samahan mo na lang ako sa kusina at iinom lang ako ng tubig!


    A letter from an Indian mother to her son.

    My dear Jagjit, I am in a well here and hoping you are also in a well there.

    I’m writing this letter slowly, because I know you
    cannot read fast.

    We don’t live where we did when you left home. Your dad read in the newspaper that most accidents happen 20 miles from home, so we moved20 miles.

    I won’t be able to send the address as the last Sardar who stayed here took the house numbers with them for their new house so they would not have to change their address.

    Hopefully by next week we will be able to take our earlier address plate here, and that our address will remain same too.

    This place is really nice. It even has a washing
    machine, situated right above the toilet I’m not sure it works too well. Last week I put in 3 shirts, pulled the chain and haven’t seen them since.

    The weather here isn’t too bad. It rained only twice last week. The First time it rained for 3 days and
    second time for 4 days.

    The coat you wanted me to send you, your Aunt said it would be a little too heavy to send in the mail with all the metal buttons, so we cut them off and put them in the pocket.

    Your father has another job. He has 500 men under him. He is cutting the grass at the cemetery.

    By the way I took Bahu to our club’s poolside. The manager is Badmash. He told her that two piece swimming suit is not allowed in his club. We were confused as to which piece should we remove?

    Your sister had a baby this morning. I haven’t found out whether it is a girl or a boy, so I don’t know whether you are an Aunt or Uncle.

    Your uncle, Jetinder fell in the nearby well. Some men tried to pull Him out, but he fought them off bravely and drowned. We cremated him and he burned for three days.

    Your best friend, Balwinder, is no more. He died
    trying to fulfill his father’s last wishes. His father
    had wished to be buried in the sea after he died. And your friend died while in the process of digging a grave for his father.

    There isn’t much more news this time. Nothing much has happened.

    Love – Mom.

    P.S. Jagjit, I was going to send you some money but by the time I realized, I had already sealed off this letter.

    Dear Mom,

    I am very happy to receive news from home. But I did not get the coat you sent me. I checked the envelop inside outside but did not find the coat. Please resend the coat from the new address I may get it this time.

    It is very cold here so I cannot be in a well. Last
    week a flu tried to catch me but I told him it was
    not me so I am OK now.

    I am missing you and cry every day because you are away. I now cry more because you have moved 20 miles further away.

    I am very lonely and by myself. I needed someone to talk to so I exchanged my bicycle for a donkey. He understands Hindi and reminds me of my uncle Jetinder. I name him Jetty. I send you my picture with Jetty (in the picture I am the one standing on the left).

    Here time is 7 hours different so sometime I am
    confused when I eat because I do not know if I am eating lunch or dinner.

    The black and white TV I bring with me from India does not show Indian movies like before. So I decided to buy a VCR to rent Indian movies but I do not have enough money. If you don’t send me money soon I will sell the TV to buy the VCR.

    To know if my sister has a boy or girl you can check his name if he has a male name then he is a boy if not then he is a girl.

    I will come back to India after 7 years. Please tell
    my friend Balwinder to wait for me to burry him.

    P.S. I don’t have money to buy stamps so please put some stamps on this letter when you receive it. If you don’t get this letter after a week please let me know.


    Wrong Password

    A woman was helping her husband set up his computer, and at the appropriate point in the process, told him that he would now need to enter a password. Something he will use to log on. The husband was in a rather humorous mood and figured he would try for the shock effect to bring this to his wife’s attention. So, when the computer asked him to enter his password, he made it plainly obvious to his wife what he was keying in. “P….E….N….I….S..” His wife fell off her chair laughing when the computer replied: **** PASSWORD REJECTED. NOT LONG ENOUGH*****


    madre: ano ang apelyido mo iho?
    lalake: alam niyo na po yun sister! lagi niyo pong hinahawakan yun!
    madre: HA!? BAYAG ANG APELYIDO MO???
    lalake: sister naman! Rosario po ang apelyido ko


    LQ si mommy at Daddy so ang kanilang communication dinaan sa kanilang 10 year old son.
    DADDY: Anak sabihin mo kay mommy gusto ko magtype( Meaning gusto ng sex)
    ANAK: Mommy!! gusto raw ni daddy magtype. MOMMY: Naku! Anak sabihin mo kay daddy mo wrong timing siya red ribbon ngayon.(meaning may menstruation).
    MOMMY: Anak sabihin mo kay daddy pwede na siyang magtype
    ANAK: Daddy sabi ni mommy pwede na raw kayo magtype.
    DADDY: Naku! Anak sabihin mo kay mommy mo hindi ko na natiis na HANDWRITTEN ko na.


    In a hotel elevator, A man accidentally elbows the lady’s breast Man: If ur heart is as soft as ur breast, u will 4give me….. Lady: If ur BIRD is as hard as ur elbow, I’M IN RUM 23!!!!!!


    Famous Lines !!!!

    “Pinapaikot mo lang ako
    Nagsasawa na ako. Mabuti pang

  • #57462


    REPORTER: Tita Cory, kung buhay si Ninoy ngayon, baka pangulo na siya.CORY: Naka bilanggo siguro.REPORTER: bakit naman po?CORY: baka napatay na niya si Kris.———— ——— ——— ——— ——-JUDGE: isa ka palang pusher, kidnapper, gun for hire, gambling lord, swindler at bugaw! Wala ka bang matinong hanapbuhay?ACCUSED: meron po. Pulis po ako.———— ——— ——— ——— ——- BETH: halata na ang tiyan mo. Bakit hindi pa kayo papakasal ng BF mo?MARIA: ayaw ng pamilya niya eh.BETH: sino may ayaw, tatay o Nanay?MARIA: yung misis niya.———— ——— ——— ——— ——- MRS: Lord, bigyan ninyo ako ng P1,000 kasi anak ko na sa hospital.(Narinig ng pulis, naawa, binigyan ng P500)MRS: Lord, next time huwag padaan sa pulis, nabawasan agad———— ——— ——— ——— ——-Young lady to the new parish priest:LADY: Father, ang cute mo, bakit pumayag kang magpari?PRIEST: Ayaw kasi pumayag ni mama na mag-MADRE ako!———— ——— ——— ——— ——- PASSENGER: manong bayad.DRIVER: saan galling?PASSENGER: sa akin.DRIVER: papunta saan?PASSENGER: sayo———— ——– ——— ——— ——–Mister: Kung gagawa ako ng pelikula, gusto ko, ako si ZORRO!Misis: Eh ako, sino?Mister: Si DACOS!Misis: Dacos? Sino ‘yun!Mister: DA COS of all my ZORROs!———— — ———— —- ———— – ———— ——-Tomas: Sobrang tabatsoy na ang misis ko kaya gusto niyang magbawas ng timbang. Nag-horseback riding siya…Jorge: Ano’ng resulta?Tomas: Nabawasan ng 10 kilos ‘yung kabayo!———— —- ———— — ———— – ————Ama: Kumusta ang pag-aaral mo?Anak: Nag-lesson at test po kami tungkol sa mga manok.Ama: Ano, madali ba?Anak: Chicken na chicken!Ama: Anong grade mo?Anak: Itlog po.———— — ——— ———– ———- ———- Dalawang holdaper sa bangko…Holdaper #1: Yehey! Mayaman na tayo!Holdaper #2: Bilangin mo na!Holdaper #1: Gago! Alam mo namang mahina ako sa math. Abangan na lang natin sa balita kung magkano!——– ———– ———– ———— ———— Guro: What is 34 books + 25 books?Pilo: 59 books po.Guro: Good. Ang 18 + 29 + 30 books?Pilo: 77 books.Guro: Very good. Now, what is 950 + 136 + 672 + 490 + 854 books?Pilo: Ma’am, library po!———— – ———— — ———— ———– ——–Pasyente: Okey ba ang services sa ospital na ito?Doktor: Oo naman. Sigurado ‘yon.Pasyente: Paano kung hindi ako satisfied?Doktor: Ibabalik namin ang sakit mo.

    LOVEMAKING – TIPS FOR SENIORS 1. Put on your glasses. Double check that your partner is actually in bed with you. 2. Set timer for 3 minutes, in case you doze off in the middle. 3. Set the mood with lighting. Turn them ALL OFF! 4. Make sure you put 911 on your speed dial before you begin. 5 . Write partner’s name on your hand in case you can’t remember it. 6. Keep extra poly-grip close by so your teeth don’t end up under the bed or between the thighs. 7. Have Tylenol ready in case you actually complete the act. 8. Make all the noise you want. The neighbors are deaf too. 9. If it works, call everyone you know with the good news. 10. Don’t even think about trying it twice.

    Usapan ng dalawang mayabang… Tomas: Ang galing ng aso ko! Tuwing umaga, dala niya ang dyaryo sa akin. Diego: Alam ko. Tomas: Ha? Paano mo nalaman? Diego: Ikinukuwento sa akin ng aso ko. Josh: Kumusta ang assignment? Ricardo: Masama. Wala akong nasagutan. Blank paper ang ipinasa ko. Josh: Naku, ako rin! Paano ‘yan? Baka isipin nila, nagkopyahan tayo?! Dok: May taning na ang buhay mo. Juan: Wala na bang pag-asa? Ano po ba ang dapat kong gawin? Dok: Mag-asawa ka na lang ng pangit at bungangera. Juan: Bakit, gagaling po ba ako ru’n? Dok: Hindi, pero mas gugustuhin mo pang mamatay kesa mabuhay! Gustong malaman ng magkaibigan kung may basketbolan sa langit. Nagkasundo sila na kung sino ang unang mamatay ay babalik upang sabihin kung may basketbol sa langit. Naunang namatay si Dado. Isang gabi, may narinig na boses si Rodel na parang kay Dado. ‘Ikaw ba ‘yan, Dado?’ usisa ni Rodel. ‘Oo naman!’ tugon ni Dado. ‘Parang hindi totoo!’ bulalas ni Rodel. ‘O, ano, meron bang basketbol sa langit?’ Sagot ni Dado, ‘May maganda at masama akong balita sa ‘yo. Ang maganda, may basketbol doon. Ang masama… kasali ka sa makakalaban namin bukas!’ Different prayers of single women… At Age 15: Lord, give me SuperMAN. At Age 18 : Lord, give me a cute MAN. At Age 20: Lord, give me the best MAN. At Age 30: Lord, give me a good MAN. At Age 40: Lord, give me a MAN. At Age 50 : Lord, give me sinoMAN. At Age 60: Lord, maawa ka naMAN. At Age 70: Lord, kaya ko pa naMAN. At Age 80: Lord, kahit hipo MAN lang. Misis: Hindi ko na kaya ‘to! Araw-araw na lang tayong nag-aaway Mabuti pa, umalis na ako sa bahay na ‘to! Mister: Ako rin, sawang-sawa na! Away rito, away roon! Mabuti pa siguro, sumama na ako sa ‘yo! Advantage at disadvantage ng may-asawa… ADVANTAGE: ‘Pag kailangan mo, nandiyan agad. DISADVANTAGE: ‘Pag ayaw mo na, andiyan pa rin! What is the difference between a girlfriend, a call girl and a wife? Sagot: Post paid, pre paid, unlimited. Do you know INNER ROW? What is INNER ROW? Inner Row is that which comes before Pibrerow, Marsow, Abril, Mayow… Sa isang classroom… Titser: Class, what is ETHICS? Pilo: Etiks are smaller than ducks. Titser: Okey, that duck will lay an egg in your report card. Juan: Pare, noong mayaman pa kami, nagkakamay kaming kumain. Ngayong mahirap na kami, nakakutsara na. Pedro: Baligtad yata? Juan: Mahirap kamayin ang lugaw, pare! Anak: Itay, nagpapatanong si ma’am kung ano raw ang propesyon mo. Itay: Sabihin mo, cardiologist. Anak: Ano po ba ang cardiologist, Itay? Itay: ‘Yung tagaayos ng radio sa car! Umuwi si mister nang 4:00 AM at nakita niya ang kanyang misis na may katalik na lalaki sa kama . Misis: (sumigaw) SAAN KA GALING?! Mister: Sino ‘yang katabi mo? Misis: GRABE KA! HUWAG MONG IBAHIN ANG USAPAN! Rodrigo: Bakit bad trip ka? Harry: Nagtampo sa ‘kin ang utol ko. Rodrigo: Bakit naman? Harry: Nakalimutan ko kasi ang birthday niya. Rodrigo: ‘Yun lang? Anong masama ru’n? Harry: Ang masama ru’n… twins kami! Twins!


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